Confronting Fear
What is your biggest fear? Mine is speaking in public or in front of a large group of people.
How do you confront your biggest fear? Well, I confronted my deep fear of public speaking rather unexpectedly just two weekends ago when I was pulled up on stage while attending a conference in Las Vegas. After I walked under the spotlight and grasped the microphone, I looked at the eyes of over 400 attendees staring back at me. But, I quickly realized that these were the eyes of supportive, loving people. And I realized it wasn’t really that scary. (Watch the full video below).
The Backstory
The Power of You (POY) is a 2-month online course with Mel Robbins and her amazing team. She invited the POY class participants to a reunion in Las Vegas so we could get to know each other in-person, share our experiences, and hopefully get answers. At the registration desk, we dropped our names in a hat, which were entered into a drawing for a live, onstage coaching session with Mel. Of the 400 attendees, I was one of 4 names drawn from the hat.
Mel has an Audible series called, Kick Ass with Mel, where she coaches 8 people through habits or issues in their lives that are keeping them stuck. Mel helps each person go beneath the surface level - to the root cause. And this is what she did with me two onstage weekends ago!
From my experience with Mel (see video above), I found that I am fearful of saying words, any words. I fear I will not find the words or that I will not be able to accurately articulate what I mean. I am scared that I will look or sound stupid. I am fearful of being laughed at, or being judged by others. I dread eyes looking at me because I think they might find me lacking, without value. Or, perhaps they will find me ugly. In other words, I am terrified of people thinking that I am a piece of shit (root).
“I am terrified of people thinking that I am a piece of shit.”
Avoidant Attachment Pattern During the first 4-6 months of a baby’s life, the primary caretaker is usually feeding the baby and there is a lot of eye contact. This is a critical time for the baby’s brain to create synaptic patterns and associations. If this attunement with the primary caregiver does not happen, that baby will develop a character pattern that avoids eye contact, or can’t tolerate too much stimulation from eyes staring at them; it feels overwhelming to their nervous system.
But, why? Why do I think these self-degrading thoughts and have these fears? Well, if you’ve watched the video, you know that Mel starts to chip away at this question. Since this experience, I have gone a bit deeper.
I will go all the way back to my early childhood and will reference the Attachment Theory, specifically the avoidant attachment pattern (see right).
The following stories are from my childhood, and I believe, help explain my fear of public speaking.
Childhood Stories
A quiet childhood
Throughout my upbringing, my mother was not fully attuned (my brother and I were 13 months apart and he had some physical issues that needed special attention) and my father was an alcoholic. While a small child, my dad did not like noise in the house. To receive the love I wanted from him, I had to stay quiet. So, I quietly played in the corner. If I cried, he would often say, “do you want me to give you something to cry about?” Sometimes he did.
Misbehaving has consequences
My father would return from work on Fridays (he worked out of town during the week), hoping to come home to peace and quiet. Instead, he was responsible for disciplining us if we had misbehaved in his absence. My father did not want to spank us with the belt. But he did because my mother expected that from him and he was frustrated with the situation. I remember feeling bad for him, and yet at the same time I was upset for being hit. I would cry (because of course it was very painful) and this would only make him more angry.
Grandma embarrasses us all in church
Once, when I was 5 years old and my crippled grandmother was staying with us, the neighbor forgot to pick us up for church. My grandmother found us another ride and we slipped in the side door since mass had already started. While the priest was talking, my grandmother decided to yell across the church at the people that forgot to pick us up. Every eye turned towards us and the judgements flooded in. I wanted to shrivel up into nonexistence. Since that moment, I haven’t walked into a church without worrying about what people thought of me.
Teasing has consequences
During my adolescent puberty stages, my brother would come into my bedroom without knocking, and say to me, “boy you’re ugly” or “boy you’re stupid.” And sometimes “you’re so flat chested.” When you are told something often, you start to believe it. Plus, my brother was popular and cool, so I figured he would know. I decided I better stay hidden so people would not tease me like he did.
Staying small
I was going into the 4th grade when we moved to a new city. At the new school, the pretty girls pretty much ran the playground; they decided who could play with them on a given day and who couldn’t. As the new girl, I was bullied and told that I was not allowed to play with the poplar girls. This validated my belief that I should stay small in the hopes that I would not be picked on. I never raised my hand in class to read or answer a question. In fact, if we were reading out loud, I would count down the lines so I could practice reading the paragraph before I was called on. I would literally take an “E” in a class before I would get up and speak. I would even get to the end of the bus line over and over again so I could take the last shuttle to junior high school and avoid walking the halls before class.
Ok, you get the point.
I validated this core belief that I was a Piece of Shit throughout my life. I even married a man that was abusive to me for 14 years to prove I was a piece of shit. I stayed small and hidden in many ways. While I have worked on this issue for over 15 years, I still had not stood up in front of a large crowd. And this crowd was big (400 in-person and 1,500 on Facebook Live). But, I felt safe. And I no longer felt like a piece of shit. In fact, I have a voice and value.
So if you have a fear, any fear, realize that it is never about the thing you thought it was about. If you dig deep and start to pull at the root of it, you too can be free of your deepest fear.
Bonus: I was able to see not only friends, but my family in warm, sunny Las Vegas and then in Los Angeles. Enjoy the pictures!
